Life changed a lot when my grand kids were born.

My son had twins 15 years ago ,one of each, a boy and a girl ,  a gentleman’s family .

When I went the hospital to visit them for the first time I struggled to hold them, they meant everything to me but I just couldn’t hold them tight.

I went home heartbroken. The same afternoon I phoned One in Four. Until that moment not another living soul knew I had been sexually abused.

I had had two boys. Touch had never been something I was comfortable with. I avoided it as much as I could and filled the void with work.

I had run a business , a wee flower shop in the town, it was a thriving business and meant long hours with early mornings. I was the bread winner, and my husband looked after the kids. I worked the whole way through my pregnancy and was back in the shop a few weeks after they were born.

I had never hugged my own kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I made sure we had everything we needed, but underneath it all,  I  felt guilty, I wore my guilt like a warm jacket on a summers day. It made me feel uncomfortable day in day out but it was as though it was part of me , I had no choice to endure it, it had always felt like it was all my fault.

The plan was that I would look after them when their mum and dad were at work.

I was retired I had no excises anymore.

Going to therapy in One in Four for two years  gave me a safe space to heal.  My therapist helped me realise how detached I had been , how work had helped me avoid so much. Its true I spent most of my life in trauma not realsing it, but at 60 I felt safe in my life, I had so much to live for, so much to make better for those around me. Now everyda is a new day, I have hope, I have clarity. The flowers in my garden blossom, they don’t need prepared into bouquets, for celebrations or to mark someone’s life. They flourish through Spring into Summer. And I do not need to be away anymore , I am the centre of my family now , here from all four seasons Therapy gave me the tools to make changes, to start living my life.

To hold, to hug , to not let what happened to me as a child, hold be back and take away the beauty of my life now.